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Writer's picture: Susie KeinonSusie Keinon

Updated: Jul 13, 2023

Free Will and Parshat Nitzavim

In this week’s Torah portion, Nitzavim, we are told that there are blessings and curses before us, and we should choose life.

R. Shimshon Rafael Hirsch explains that “ choosing life” means that there must be effort and thought on our part. It doesn’t happen by chance.

Free will is one of the cornerstones of Jewish belief. But are we really free to choose? Maimonides in his Mishneh Torah teaches that the question of free will is “longer than the land and wider than the sea.”

While we don’t have control over much in our lives, we can learn to control HOW we react or deal with different situations.

And here comes the promo for mindfulness. When we meditate and pay attention to our breath, we are more present in the here and now. The breath is always right here and right now, and it’s always with us. And if we can learn to be more present with whatever we are experiencing, we can slow down and choose not to allow our habitual responses to kick in. These responses can be knee jerk reactions that we later regret. So if the cashier in the supermarket tells me she is closed just as I put my stuff down after waiting fifteen minutes in line, I might have some choice in how I react after taking a few deep breaths. I give myself some “breathing room.”

Mindfulness practice simply means that you choose to be aware of what you are doing, when you do it, and that you don't just respond automatically. Is it that simple? How free are we really to choose to free ourselves from habits and instincts, and negative reactions that harm us and those around us?

When we’re mindful, these habits and instincts are still there. They don’t disappear, but they're less likely to control our thoughts and actions. Instead, they become mere thoughts and feelings that we observe and then can decide whether, and how, to act upon them.

We do have some freedom to choose. We can choose to be kinder, for example, to ourselves and to others, if we just stop and remember that this is a possibility. The same is true for being patient, curious, accepting, appreciative, reflective, and any number of other qualities we want to foster. These can be conscious choices. We just have to stop a moment and remember it is possible to act in that manner, and then choose to do so.

The choice is also in deciding whether we dwell in thoughts or feelings, or do we simply notice them without engaging them or becoming reactive. We first acknowledge when we notice thoughts, feelings or sensations. It’s like a wave coming at you when you swim—first you have to notice that it’s coming, then you may ride it or dive underneath it. You can’t choose whether the wave comes at you or not, but you can choose how you meet it. When we realize that there is a choice—that control is not necessarily in the content of our thoughts or feelings, but rather in how we deal with them —then we can take control over our life. Here is a short mindfulness practice to cultivate the freedom to choose where we place our attention

  • Start by finding a comfortable place to sit, where you won’t be disturbed. Sit up straight, and relax your shoulders. Close your eyes or focus your gaze on a spot in front of you. Take a breath as you become aware that you’re breathing. And take a moment to notice the physical sensations of the breath– perhaps in your nose, or your chest, or your stomach as it rises with the in-breath and falls with the out-breath Pause.

  • Take a moment to notice If you feel an itch, tingling sensation or any other physical distraction …. Observe it. Then take a breath. After your breath, you can choose how you are going to react to it—or not react to it.

  • Take a moment to observe any thoughts that might arise as you sit. (pause). On the next out-breath invite your awareness back to focusing on your breath.

  • Notice which thoughts pull at your attention and which ones you can let go. It doesn’t matter how many times you need to bring your attention back to your breath. The moment that you’re aware of a thought that’s distracting you, escort your attention back to your breath.

  • Take some time to notice any feelings that might be coming up, such as frustration, sadness, joy or anger, and when you become aware of any feelings, acknowledge them, and invite your awareness back to your breath.

  • Bring your awareness to any sounds around you -- traffic, birds, an appliance, the phone ringing or a child crying -- notice if you have a tendency to want to look or check it out. Take a deep breath. After your breath, you can decide whether or not the sound was worth investigating.

  • Observe sensations in your body. If you notice a pain in your shoulder or an ache in your back and want to change your position, take a breath before you do anything. Then make a conscious choice—of moving or staying still. It’s OK to move or shift or change positions during your meditation, as long as it’s done with awareness.

  • It doesn’t matter how many times you need to bring your attention back to your breath. The moment that you’re aware of a thought, feeling, sensation or sound that’s distracting you, that is a mindful moment, a moment where you are strengthening your ability to choose where to place your attention. Take a few more moments in this practice if you'd like.

  • As you transition out of this practice, try applying this mindful awareness to your everyday life. Notice the point where you are triggered or distracted. Notice emotions and thoughts that arise, as well as sounds that distract you. Observe it all … and then mindfully make a decision on how to respond.

The Torah commentator, Kli Yakar, explains that one person’s behavior can affect everyone. My behavior and reactions not only affect me but anyone around me. Every action I make has a consequence, like a ripple in a pond.

In a few days, we will celebrate Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, a time of the year when we look back and reflect on what changes we might like to make. We look at our behaviors and hopefully try to become more aware of what we need to work on in ourselves. Mindfulness meditation can help us in this process of reflection and “return” to the person we would like to be.

Shana tova!






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In this week’s Torah portion, Ki Tavo, we learn about the covenant between G-d and the children of Israel. It says: “You have affirmed G-d this day to be your G-d and you will walk in His ways and keep his statutes/commandments….And G-d has affirmed as he promised you , His treasure, who shall keep his commandments…”

The word in Hebrew for affirmed is האמרת he’emarta which is attributed to both G-d and the people. According to Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, the covenant is a mutual bond of love on both sides to be faithful and cherish one another.
Our commentators have different opinions as to the meaning of this verb.
Rashi says it means chosen, Radak says it means betrothed and Hizkuni says it means unique.

Whatever the meaning, language is deliberate in the Torah and the fact that both G-d and the Jewish people affirm their relationship shows the duality and reciprocity in their relationship.
There is a mutual bond of love.
This example of mutual love can be used in human relationships as well.

A loving relationship is a very important value in Judaism and is referred to in many places in the Torah. As Yeshiva University Rabbi Zvi Sobolofsky wrote: "The relationship between Hashem and the Jewish people is a model for a loving relationship, and we can derive an important lesson from the words of commitment “ונשמע נעשה -- we will hear and we will do“, that brought this relationship into existence. The Jewish people were not aware of all the details of Torah life before committing to its observance. What was necessary was the trust in G-d and commitment of the Jewish people that as the relationship progressed, they would learn more about G-d and His Torah, and would want to observe all of its laws."
In addition, the holiday of Shavuot placed more of an emphasis on trust and commitment than on the knowledge of all the details. That knowledge would eventually come in time. Similarly, in a growing relationship with a potential spouse it is unrealistic to focus on every possible detail about the other person. More emphasis should be on general personality traits, compatibility, and mutual trust. As events unfold, a relationship built on trust and commitment will be able to sustain life’s challenges.
In our approach to our spouse’s shortcomings, we should emulate G-d’s patience and willingness to overlook our flaws. Nobody is perfect, and those who constantly focus on others' imperfections will never be happy.

So how can we put these ideas into practice?
Here are a few ways that the practice and attitudes of mindfulness can help us be more open to love, introspection, and growth in all of our relationships.

1. Mindfulness helps us be more present and attentive. It can help us notice when we are on autopilot and redirect our attention to whatever our partner is saying or to what they are feeling, which builds intimacy and makes our relationships happier and more connected.

When you are mindful of the love in your life you open yourself up to the opportunity for love to grow. And not just romantic love, but self-love, and loving friendships as well.

2. Mindfulness improves emotion regulation. So even when we do start to “lose it” or walk away from our partners when in the middle of an argument, we are able to say “This is not helpful!” and stop ourselves from going down a negative spiral in our relationship.

3. Be interested in the other person. One of the essential attitudes of mindfulness is curiosity, and we can bring this into our relationships to foster warmth and trust. Our minds often tell us that we “know” someone so well that we can predict their behaviors and responses. While this may be true some of the time, it also stops us from clearly seeing the person in front of us—instead, we just see our “idea” of that person. See if you can be open, curious, and interested in those close to you as if you are getting to know them for the first time. You might be surprised by what you find.
4. Mindfulness makes us more compassionate and kind. People like to be around others who are kind because they feel cared about and safe with them. When we practice kindness, not only do we feel better, but we help others feel good, too. And this just increases opportunities for positive connections throughout our day, which, in turn, contributes to our own health and well-being.

5. Practice Mindful Listening
There’s a difference between hearing someone and actively listening to them. The next time you’re having a face-to-face conversation, notice the posture and body language of the other person. See if it’s possible to put aside forming your own response while listening to them speak.

Some of us who believe in or promote the benefits of mindfulness have a way of proselytizing in our attempts to raise awareness about the practice. “If it’s great for me,” we think, “it must be good for you, and you are missing out!”
Being excited about mindfulness is wonderful, but when we get too pushy about it in our intimate relationships—especially with our partners and spouses—it can cause friction.
Let go of the hope that he or she might one day get into mindfulness as much as you do. When you let go, a new world of deeper connection awaits, according to

Try this couple's meditation by Tara Brach , psychologist and meditation teacher.
A 10-Minute Meditation on Love Connection

Tara Brach and her husband, meditation teacher Jonathan Foust, have developed a regular practice for keeping the lines of communication open and maintaining a loving connection. They engage in this practice a couple of times a week. Here’s how Tara suggests going about it.
Keep the Lines Open

1) Begin by sitting silently together for about 10 minutes, or as much as time allows.

2) Next, take turns telling each other what you’re grateful for, and what's warming your heart right now. This is called gladdening the heart and serves as a good way to open the channel of communication,” Tara says.

3) Next, take turns naming any particular challenges you’re dealing with that are currently causing you stress. These are difficulties you’re facing apart from your relationship.

4) Then, deepen your inquiry by taking turns noting anything that might be restricting the sense of love and openness you feel toward your partner. First, you might ask yourself: “What is preventing me from feeling openhearted and intimate with my partner?” This is potentially the stickiest part of the practice, as well as the most rewarding.
“Naming difficult truths is the best way to bring more love and understanding into a relationship,” explains Tara. For example, she says, “There are times when I get busy and he takes on a larger portion of the household responsibilities and ends up feeling unappreciated, and I need to be reminded to express my appreciation. When we acknowledge what could cause resentment if left unsaid, it brings us closer together.” But, for this step to be productive, it’s essential for both partners to practice speaking and listening from a place of vulnerability, without blaming the other person.
5) Finally, enjoy some moments of silent appreciation together, ideally in a long, tender hug.
*And hug like you mean it!
Few things feel better than a good hug. Science shows that hugging can reduce blood pressure, and reduce anxiety.
Touch is also a primary way we communicate, feel safe, soothe our nervous systems, trust one another, and convey love and compassion.

We all want happier relationships, but rather than focusing energy on complaining or trying to change your partner, take up a mindfulness practice. Even better, take a mindfulness course together --if it interests both of you.
This will help you be more present, and loving, and build your own mutual bond.

LISTEN TO THIS ON INSIGHT TIMER:

To learn more about mindfulness for couples:



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In this week’s Torah portion, Ki Titzei, 74 of the Torah's 613 commandments are mentioned.


A few of the commandments have to do with helping us be more careful in our behaviors and actions, such as dealing with a rebellious son, returning lost property, and building railings on rooftops. Another example is marrying a captive of war.

“If you see a beautiful woman amongst the captives of war and you desire her, and would like to marry her, bring her home and shave her head and cut her nails…and she shall stay in your house for 30 days while she cries for her parents."

How do we understand this? One possibility is that this is a humane gesture to the captive; she is given time to mourn her family and begin to come to terms with her new life.

The rabbis also believe that although the Torah does give in to the 'evil inclination' of the Jewish soldiers and permits them to take women captives as wives, it really prefers that this doesn't happen.

The Ramban explains that this is only a case where he isn't just interested or attracted to her, but in fact where his desires overcome him. And so the Torah recommends these mourning customs, which are meant to make the woman unattractive to her Jewish captor and convince him to forget the whole thing, not marry her, and let her go. Her sitting in his house, crying, with a shaved head, no manicure, dressed in mourning for 30 days is meant to present a not-so-pretty picture, and, hopefully, the soldier will no longer find her so desirable and will set her free. The commentator Ibn Ezra, says that the Hebrew term יפה תואר means beautiful in his eyes.

If he finds her beautiful, he must spend 30 days with her when she is intentionally made unattractive, and then he can get to know her and see her as she really is. Will she remain beautiful in his eyes?

The Torah creates some room or a gap to help reflect before jumping into a big

decision -- marriage.

This past week, I was on vacation and took a train between two cities.

They kept announcing “mind the gap” at each stop before getting on and off the train.

Gaps are easier to manage when we’re aware of them.

The unconscious gaps can get us into trouble.


Viktor Frankl wrote:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

The width of the gap between stimulus and response, and our freedom to choose, is dependent on our awareness of it. The more conscious we are of the gap, the wider it becomes and the more space we have in how we respond, what we do and how we behave.

By widening the gap — in other words, when we increase our conscious awareness of the fact that we have a choice in our responses to stimuli - we make better choices.

As we all know too well, the pace of life tends to come at us very quickly. The more caught up in life we become, the more we are likely to find ourselves swept up in the daily rhythm and flow, often responding to events and stimuli instantly, with less thought than we would like.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could slow things down a bit and make decisions coming from a place of a little more thought and awareness?

How can we widen the gap and create some space before we react or make decisions? One way is by starting a meditation practice.

Many people don’t try meditation because they believe it’s difficult to practice or is only effective in lengthy sessions. Not true!

Even a shorter meditation can help reduce stress and allow you to react in healthier ways.

Set a timer for five minutes, so you can relax and not worry about how long to stay in the meditation. Schedule a time –make an appt with yourself!

A few tips to help you before you start your meditation:

*To get in the right position to meditate, you can choose to sit on a chair or on the ground. You can also lie down, whatever allows you to be most alert.

Making sure you’re comfortable and your body is supported.


*If you sit in your chair, make sure your back is supported and your feet flat on the floor.

Sit up straight, so that your head and neck are in line with your spine. You may place a pillow behind your lower back or under your hips for added support.

A straight spine straight helps you stay alert.

*You can rest your hands on your thighs with your palms facing down. Keeping your hands placed down is said to be more grounding, but place your hands wherever it feels comfortable for you.


*Keep your shoulders relaxed and comfortable as you draw them slightly back and down. This helps keep your heart center open and your back strong.

Try to release any tension in your jaw.


*Most people find it easier to meditate with closed eyes. Avoid squeezing your eyes shut. Softly closing them will help you keep your face, eyes, and eyelids relaxed. You can also meditate with your eyes open focusing your gaze on a spot in front of you.

*Try to stay awake. But if you fall asleep, don't give yourself a hard time. We approach this practice, like all practices, in a gentle and non-critical way towards ourselves.

Let's start by taking a breath and leaving behind whatever you were just doing.

Can you hear any sounds around you, feel the air around you, and the temperature?

All these things are part of this moment. You don’t need to do anything but notice them.

Be aware of them (pause).

And now bringing your attention to your breath, and the fact that you're breathing.

You don’t need to do anything about the way you are breathing. You don’t need to breathe deeply.

The way you are breathing is just fine. Just be aware of the breath.

Be aware of breathing in when you’re breathing in, and be aware of breathing out when you’re breathing out. (pause)

Notice where you feel the breath most-- maybe in the nose or nostrils, the throat, the chest as it expands and contracts, or the stomach as it rises and falls. There is no right place, just notice.

Where is your breathing most felt? Let your attention rest on that spot, being curious about the physical sensations of the breath. (pause)

As you breathe in, thinking to yourself, “breathing in” and as you breathe out, thinking

“Breathing out” (pause)

From time to time your mind is going to wander. That’s to be expected. That’s what the mind does. So whenever we notice that our mind has gone wandering, we gently bring it back to observing the breath,

If it helps you to focus, try saying to yourself “breathing in “on the inbreath, and “breathing out” on the outbreath. (pause)

No matter where the mind has gone, whether it’s gotten distracted by thoughts, sounds, feelings, or sensations, gently bringing it back to the physical sensations of the breath……..

“Breathing in, and breathing out…” (pause)

And before we end, noticing how your body feels right now.

You might want to take the time to thank yourself for having taken the time to nourish yourself in this way, strengthening the ability to be fully present with the breath and to every moment and every experience of your life.

And remembering that you always have the breath as your anchor -- to the here and now– and to widen your own gap.



To join the next mindfulness course with Susie: https://www.mindfulnesswithsusie.com/he/mindfulness-course-with-susie-lp (HEB)




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