Coping With Disappointments Mindfully and Parshat Ve'etchanan

Parshat Va’etchanan, the parsha that is always read on Shabbat Nachamu, the Shabbat of Comfort that comes after Tisha B'Av, is best known as the parsha that contains the Shema, which is central to our prayers.

And in this parsha we can also learn about hopes and warnings and disappointments.

Moses, who had given a lifetime of service to G-d and to the Children of Israel, was denied entry to the Land of Israel, in spite of his pleading with G-d to let him in.

Moses spent his life leading the people of Israel toward the Promised Land, but now

he would not be able to enjoy the fruits of his life’s work. Was Moses disappointed? Frustrated? Or was he hurt that his prayers weren’t answered and his dream was denied?

We all know the feeling of disappointment. Sometimes it is experienced as an emotional blow to the stomach, or in the chest– literally taking your breath away.

Other times it might make your throat become tight. Whatever your experience is like for you, disappointment can range from letting go of mild hopes to crushing your deepest life’s dream. No matter what form disappointment may take for you in any given situation, how you choose to handle that emotional experience makes all the difference between becoming more resilient and learning important lessons or deciding to give up on future happiness or success.

Carolyn Gimian, meditation teacher and author, teaches that there is a strong relationship between expectations, disappointment, and blame. Expectations are usually about the future. When they are not met, we are often disappointed, and this leads us to judge ourselves and others when things don’t go our way. Expectations set us up for disappointment. Blame deflects our disappointment. You can see this in the most mundane situations. For example, you make a reservation for dinner, but when you get to the restaurant, they can’t find your reservation and there are no tables available. Someone has to pay!

With small disappointments, humor can be a good remedy.

Really, is there nothing you can put on your salad to replace your favorite brand of salad dressing you just ran out of? Isn’t it even a little bit amusing that you’re so fixated?

Daily disappointment is often connected with the breakdown of a habit that we cling to. If you’ve been wearing the same brand and style of t-shirt for the last ten years, and suddenly it’s no longer being made, you're likely to be disappointed. But not getting what you’re accustomed to also wakes you up. You have to look around and see what else is available. For instance, when your coffee shop stops carrying your favorite dark roast, you have to look at the menu and consider other alternatives. Disappointment can turn out to be very refreshing.

When the great thing we longed for doesn’t live up to our expectations, we may wonder why we wanted it in the first place.

We might feel disappointed, in part because the purchased item doesn’t bring the hoped-for satisfaction.

When we feel fundamentally disappointed, it can be paralyzing. We blame ourselves and we may blame the people we live and work with, especially people that we're close to.

We can take it further and feel unworthy or become unable to achieve anything. We feel

not only disappointed but discouraged, which literally means to lose our courage.

When things really don’t go our way, how do we find the courage to not give up?

Through the quiet of mindfulness practice and being open enough, we can find value in every disappointment.

Disappointment isn’t something we can avoid in life, but it doesn’t have to be crippling. If we can try and see that our failures can be as valuable as our successes, we have the beginnings of a way to work with disappointment. The unacceptable alternative is to give up; to avoid taking a chance in life; to stay away from anything risky or uncertain.

When we are willing to risk disappointment and take a chance, we can celebrate that we have the courage to experience both disappointment, and the satisfaction of success.

Here are a few things that may help you to find quiet and openness when you are facing disappointment:

1. Make a point of simply acknowledging to yourself when you are disappointed.

Over a day or a week, notice when you’re disappointed because you don’t get what you want. Not changing it, just noticing.

2. Stop Ruminating, which means stop excessively dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings. The more you dwell on your disappointment, the harder it is to let go. Not only will it disrupt your ability to focus, but it will also prevent you from moving forward

3. Finding humor in a situation allows you to step back and see things more clearly.

This is not suggesting you make light of your emotional vulnerability, but rather recognize that laughing is like taking a deep breath and bringing everything back down to earth.

4. Be kind to yourself. There’s a difference between you and whatever disappointment you are experiencing. Appreciate yourself. Right now, when you are experiencing the worst disappointment of your life, you are there with it. It’s okay that you’re disappointed. Be kind to yourself.

5. If you have a few minutes – breathe through your disappointment. Take it in and let it out. Just stopping to notice our breath for a minute can make a big difference.

Or try this short guided practice:

Get settled, noticing the contact your body is making with whatever surface you’re sitting on, focusing on your in-breath and your out-breath.

And with each exhale, can you imagine yourself letting go of your feeling of disappointment– letting your body relax in your chair or wherever you're sitting?

And imagining a gentle breath towards your heart. Feeling a softening….

Letting go of your disappointment will help you create an opening, a space for more possibilities. What would you like to invite into this space right now? (pause)

What would you like to cultivate more of? And what inner strength would you like to encourage or help to grow? Can you imagine letting it in?

What do you need right now?

Any words of encouragement that you can tell yourself like something you might say to someone you care about?

Moses comes to understand the reality that every life, including his own, comes with limitations and disappointments, but there is hope for us when we can learn to befriend our disappointments.

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Compassionate Justice and Parshat Devarim

Compassionate Justice Leads to Self-Compassion: Parshat Devarim

This week’s Torah portion Deuteronomy, or Devarim, means words.

Moses gives a speech to the people of Israel before they enter the Land of Israel without him.

He talks about justice and appointing impartial judges to help him decide cases between the people.“Hear the causes between your brothers and judge righteously… Listen to small and great alike, for judgment belongs to G-d”

Judge righteously.

What does that mean? Judgment (משפט) goes together with righteousness (צדק).

Tzedek is difficult to translate– charity, righteousness, integrity, equity, fairness, but it’s more than strict justice.

The Rambam( Maimonides), says justice is giving everyone their due -it’s not charity. It’s the decent thing to do

Tzedek or justice must be reinforced with compassion.

Justice combined with compassion can create a more fair and humane society.

We are commemorating Tisha B’Av, a national day of mourning for the destruction of the first and second Temples this Sunday.

The reason for the destruction of the Second Temple was due to senseless hatred. In other words, compassion was lacking and people ignored those in need and judged people unfairly.

Have we learned our lesson? Are we still to blame for this today?

How can we cultivate a more compassionate society?

How can we treat people more kindly?

What about mindful self-compassion?

We’re often pretty good at demonstrating compassion for others, but not so much for ourselves.

According to Kristin Neff, researcher and expert on self-compassion,

"Self-compassion is kindness toward the self, which entails being gentle, supportive, and understanding: Rather than harshly judging oneself for personal shortcomings, the self is offered warmth and unconditional acceptance. In other words, being kind to ourselves in good times and bad, in sickness and in health—and even when we make mistakes."

Self-compassion is learned in part by connecting with our innate compassion for others, and it also helps to grow and sustain our compassion for ourselves.

To build a practice of mindful self-compassion takes time and requires, as you might guess, a lot of compassion. Most of us feel compassion when a close friend is struggling. What would it be like to receive the same caring attention whenever you needed it most? Try shifting the direction of your attention—recognizing that as a human being, you too, are a worthy recipient of compassion.If you notice your inner critic or negative thoughts about yourself, try bringing awareness to the critical inner voice—without trying to change anything. Maybe this voice is from your past? Can you soften it a little now?

Self -Compassionate Breathing Exercise

Let’s try this practice by Kristin Neff called affectionate breathing:

Settling into a comfortable position where your body is supported.

Close your eyes, or keep your eyes open and lower your gaze in front of you.

Getting in touch with your body and noticing any sensations in this moment.

Doing a quick scan of areas in your body -noticing if the sensations are pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.

Take a few breaths to let out tension from your day.

Where do you feel the breathe most obviously or strongly?

Your nose, chest or stomach…. take a moment to observe your breath. Your body knows how to breathe itself so you don’t need to control it in any way.

Adopt a little half smile (not strained or forced) allowing the corners of your mouth to turn up a little. Notice how that makes you feel.

Maybe happiness with the present moment?

Breathing in and out and noticing how each in- breath and out-breath feels (pause).

Noticing how your body is nourished and perhaps energized with each breath.

Try to let your breath be touched with tenderness and care for yourself and others

Even if you don’t really feel it.

Allowing each breath to breathe in kindness for yourself and others ( pause)

Your mind will naturally wander as you do this.

Just notice. No need to judge yourself. Everyone’s mind wanders

The moment you notice, bringing your attention back to the breath is a moment of mindfulness.

Feeling some appreciation for your breath right now- it helps us stay alive.

Breathing in some kindness and affection for yourself and others(pause).

Remembering your little half smile.

If your mind wanders, gently bringing your attention back to noticing your breath

letting your breath comfort and soothe your body and releasing any tension there.

Noticing the gentle flow of your breath (pause)

The breath isn’t focused on improving style or rushing to reach the end of some daily to do list in order to take a break.

We can learn a lot from the breath from its natural rhythm, pace, and the way the breath continues its work, without making a big deal out of it.

Letting go of all efforts to change anything right now.

And allowing yourself to be held(pause).

Letting go of any ideas of meditating or achieving anything with permission to rest here, right now.

When you get distracted, bring awareness back to your breath without judgment.

Noticing any feelings being generated from your half smile and kindness being breathed in and out.

If it feels right to you , imagining your heart opening to receive these feelings of kindness (pause)

How does your body feel? What emotions are you feeling? (pause)

Allow yourself to rest in all of your experience and let yourself feel what you’re feeling.

Knowing that whenever you need it, you can come back to this anchor, this gentle rhythm of your breathing, like an internal caress– to be held and cared for whenever you need it.

Giving ourselves room to be human or flawed, allows us to kindly reflect and improve on ourselves, and that can impact how we treat ourselves, and others, and help in building a more compassionate and just society.

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Walking Mindfully : The Journey in Parshat Masei

Parshat Masei and Mindful Walking Meditation

This week’s Torah portion, Masei, mentions 42 places where B'nei Yisrael, the children of Israel, encamped in their forty years in the wilderness. We are not told the names of all the places.

Just imagine the logistics of hundreds of thousands of people journeying through the wilderness and stopping to rest from their wanderings and setting up camp!

Why is this mentioned?

Sometimes we recall places that we visited fondly or nostalgically. Sometimes the memories are negative, and we remember them because of how frightened or unhappy we were there.

The people encamped in each place on average for two years (according to Torah commentator Rashi), and according to our sages, each stop was meant to teach them something, and perhaps to help them strengthen their faith in G-d, who was their protector and provided them with all their basic needs. The people often complained and were impatient to move on to the next stop. Is mentioning these 42 places a rebuke to B'nei Yisrael for their grumbling and rebellious behavior during their journey?

What is the purpose of the Torah's detailed description of all these stops just as the people get ready to enter the Land of Israel?

The journey between Egypt and Israel is not very far -- it's much less than a 40

year trek -- so it’s unlikely that the emphasis is on the physical journey.

R. Jonathan Sacks explains that this journey was a mental and spiritual one.

There were so many challenges along the way. G-d was with the people, but they lacked faith and clung to their slave mentality.

Slowly they got stronger and built up their endurance, but it takes time, and apparently many stages.

Actually, their journey was just starting, as they would soon enter the Promised Land and continue to grow individually, and as a nation.

We are not so different from these former slaves. Most of us know how to get from A to B pretty easily, but we too often become impatient and ungrateful during the journey.

Do we remember how we got there? Do we remember all the points along the way?

In everyday life, we lose touch with the present moment as we run around multi-tasking and checking things off of our to-do list.

We are not really “there” a lot of the time. Our mind is caught up in worries and fears about the future or regrets about the past. That state of being is called forgetfulness—you are there but you are not there.

Mindfulness can help us be more present in the everyday tasks that we do.

Mindful breathing meditation helps us to focus, sharpens our attention, and helps us to be more aware of our surroundings. There is another practice that we can do for this purpose: mindful walking meditation.

Taking an everyday activity that we give very little thought to, and bringing our awareness to it.

Meditation master Thich Nhat Hanh teaches:

In our daily lives, we have the habit of running. We seek peace, success, and love—we are always on the run—and our steps are one means by which we run away from the present moment. But life is available only in the present moment; peace is available only in the present moment. Taking a step means to stop running. For those of us who are used to always running, it is a revolution to make a step, and stop running. We make a step, and if we know how to make it, peace becomes available in that moment of touching the earth with our feet.

It would be a pity to let a whole day pass without enjoying walking on the earth.

Walking meditation is a form of meditation in action.

In walking meditation, we use the experience of walking as our focus. We become mindful of our experience while walking and aware of the movements of the body and its physical sensations

Let’s practice walking meditation together-

Choose a quiet place where you can walk comfortably back and forth, indoors or out, about the length of an exercise mat. Begin by standing at one end of your mat or space, becoming aware of the weight of your body and the contact with the ground.

We take our ability to be balanced for granted, so take a minute to notice the work that it takes for us to stand upright and keep our balance. Let your hands rest easily, wherever they are comfortable.

Close your eyes for a moment, noticing the contact your feet are making with the ground while letting the ground support you.

Begin to walk slowly. Let yourself walk with a sense of ease while allowing yourself to be alert.

Pay attention to your body. With each step, feel the sensations of lifting your foot and leg off the ground and be aware as you place your foot down.

Notice the back heel maybe lifting off the ground as you take a step with the other foot.

Let your walking be easy and natural. Feel each step mindfully as you walk.

You might want to say to yourself, “lifting, moving, placing” as you lift up your foot to take a step. Or breathe in as you lift your foot, and breathe out as you place your foot down. When you reach the end of your path, stop for a moment. Before you turn around, notice the intention to do so. Slowly turn around and notice what it takes, all the parts of your body involved in turning around, starting with the feet, legs, torso, neck and head. Turn around carefully so that you can be aware of the first step as you walk back.

You can experiment with the speed, walking at whatever pace keeps you most present. Continue to walk back and forth for ten minutes or longer.

As with the breath in sitting meditation, your mind will wander. As soon as you notice this, acknowledge it and return to feeling the next step. After some practice with walking meditation, you may be able to calm yourself and live more wakefully in your body.

Walking meditation can easily be integrated into our schedules since walking is something most of us do every day. Even walking from the car into the supermarket can be an opportunity for a minute’s walking meditation.

Each one of us can bring more awareness to our own journey. We might occasionally complain and get antsy, like B'nei Yisrael, but ultimately, we do have some control over the speed and direction of where we’re going, and we can be truly present as we move through our life.

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